Recent Posts

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Charleston Skit Script 2010

Busca is proud to share the Charleston 2010 skit script written by John Riley and Eleanor I. Cook, the Assistant Director for Collections & Technical Services, Joyner Library, East Carolina University. Keep an eye out for the video of this skit on the Charleston Conference website.

Charleston Skit Script 2010

INTRODUCTION /History By Narrator (Corrie)

Narrator: Corrie Marsh
Katina: Athena Michaels
Bill Gates: Todd Hallerman
Al Gore: Stephen Clark

In honor of this Conference’s 30th anniversary, the Charleston Players are pleased to present yet another skit, we fondly entitle “Doin’ That Charleston Rag.”

It was 30 years ago that Katina Strauch held the very first acquisitions conference here in beautiful Charleston, South Carolina. We’ve seen it all over the years, and we never know what to expect! Sometimes we experience 4 different seasons in 4 days. You should always be sure to pack both Bermuda shorts AND an overcoat! Sometimes we’ll even get a Hurricane, but Hugo couldn’t stop the conference from forging ahead back in 1989. Since that first conference in 1980 we’ve experienced the complete renovation of the Francis Marion Hotel, the demise of the the Lightsey Conference Center, The opening of a beautiful new Library building at the College of Charleston, businesses turning over constantly on Upper King Street and elsewhere, and the opening of the great new Cooper River Bridge to Mt. Pleasant. (Some of us miss the old roller coaster of a bridge - some of us DON’T!) Charleston as a destination definitely has added to the attraction of this event, especially for those travelling from colder climes. Could you imagine if this conference had been conceived in Bayonne, New Jersey? (Perhaps Jersey Shore Acquisitions Librarians?)

So, in celebration of 30 incredible years of dancing at the Jukebox, dining at fabulous restaurants and the conference’s own Oyster Roast, beach combing, sun bathing, golfing at the Dunes, ghost hunting at night, Highjinks and pratfalls during the skits, shopping for Sweet Grass baskets in the Market, lounging under the palm trees, oh…. But don’t let us forget ... Beastly Breakfasts, Lively Lunches, Intense Debates, Stunning Pronouncements, Dire Predictions, Sleep Inducing Power Points, Lyman’s infallible memory, Matthew J. Bruccoli’s Jeremiads, Buzzy Basch’s rainbow of neckties, Networking together in the Halls of the old Lightsey Conference Center that seemed like High School between classes, Katina and friends Ringing the Bell to start each new session...[distant sound of ringing the bell, coming closer with the entrance of players]. Let us take you back in time….back, back, over 50 years ago to the genesis of the Charleston Conference…We take you to a playground where 8 year old Katina is hanging out with her playmates, Al Gore and Bill Gates:

[Players enter]:
Katina [ringing a bell and licking an enormous lollipop], Bill Gates [wearing extra large glasses] and Al Gore [playing with a yo-yo]

Al: When I grow up I’m going to invent the internet.

Katina and Bill [in unison]: What’s the internet?

Al: It’s an interconnected web of computers creating instantaneous access to information all over the world.

Bill: Sounds stupid. Who needs that? When I grow up I am going to have a monopoly on personal computer operating systems. That’s much more profitable.

Al: The internet will make that obsolete.

Bill: Hold your horses. I haven’t even stolen Windows from Steve Jobs yet. How can it be obsolete?

Katina: When I grow up I’m going to start an acquisitions conference where librarians, vendors, and publishers can come together and meet and discuss mutually interesting topics.

Bill: That will never work! That’s like saying someday cats and dogs will live together. It might get violent.

Katina: And I will let whoever wants to come and I won’t limit who gets to attend. We’ll have speakers from England and Germany, Australia, New Zealand and Africa, and and…You know…I just can’t say no to nobody, y’all.

Al and Bill: “librarians and vendors and publishers? Oh my!”

Al and Bill and Katina: “Librarians and vendors and publishers? Oh my!”

Al and Bill and Katina (skipping together): “Librarians and vendors and publishers? Oh my!”

All together: “We’re off to see the Conference, the Wonderful Conference of Chas.”

[Players Exit]- Round table is moved front and center, with 8 chairs

SCENE TWO: An Early conference (1980’s)
Players: (around a large round table) Big Name Tents in front of each of them.
Katina: Athena Michaels
Janet Flowers: Ann-Marie Breaux
Tom Leonhardt: Todd Hallerman
Deanna Astle: Eleanor Cook
Chuck Hamaker: Himself
Lyman Newlin: John Laraway
Steve Johnson: Stephen Clark
Joe the (every) Vendor: John Riley

Narrator (Corrie): Welcome to 1980 and the very first Charleston Acquisitions Conference. In an era of power suits and post punk, Katina created a laid back atmosphere where suits and ties were left behind. The first Conference was only 50 people meeting in one room. Let’s take a peek back in time.

Katina: OK ya’ll [with notepad in hand, ready to take notes] – what are the hot topics of the day? We need to talk it about it.

Janet: I’m Janet Flowers from UNC-Chapel Hill. Well, we are wondering if our approval plan is working correctly and whether or not using CIP slips for ordering is the right way to go. We’ve also heard about a great new concept – the Integrated Library System – has anyone else considered that?

Tom: I’m Tom Leonhart from Duke. If any company can actually get all the library functions in one system, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle! I doubt I’ll see that in my lifetime. I’m more concerned right now about spending end of year money on microfilm sets whenever possible. They’ll even throw in a free film reader if you spend enough!

Deanna [While knitting]: I’m Deanna Astle from Clemson. I think prices are going to be a problem for a long, long time, so I am learning how to use spreadsheets – they are going to be the tool of the future.

Katina: “I can’t decide whether to order an oak or steel card catalogue. I want something that will hold up for decades.”

Tom: Be sure it’s expandable. It will need to last for centuries.

Katina: Anyone have questions or comments about these or other topics? I’m taking notes, you know.

Chuck: Hi,I’m Chuck Hamaker from Yale. I’ve had it with serial price increases! Do you know they now cost a dollar a word! A comma costs a nickel and a question mark is now a quarter!

Joe the Vendor: Hi I’m Joe the Vendor from Palookaville. I’m tired of librarians asking us vendors to constantly do more and give more discounts at the same time! How can we keep taking you out to Poogan’s Porch if we don’t make any money?”

Lyman: Hi I’m Lyman Newlin, as my good friend Johannes Gutenberg used to say, “Books will be obsolete in 600 hundred years. I’d better get busy before they invent that blasted e-book and put me out of business.

Steve: Hi I’m Steve Johnson from Clemson. Is it beer tasting time yet?

[Players get up and leave. Table gets moved out of the way for next scene; chairs re-arranged around the podium in a wide arc facing the audience]


SCENE THREE: A typical 1990’s conference {Robert Maxwell, Berlin wall, Tieneman square )

Katina: Athena Michaels
Chuck Hamaker: Himself
Lyman Newlin: John Laraway [will use a cane here, but still walking], slightly stooped]
Steve Johnson: Stephen Clark
Joe the (every) Vendor: John Riley
Becky Lenzini: Jennifer Clarke
Dorinda Harmon: Ann-Marie Breaux
Judy Webster: Susan Zappan

Players enter. sitting in a semi-circle around the podium, facing the audience. ]

Chuck (stands up): Hi I’m Chuck Hamaker from LSU. I’ve REALLY had it with serials price increases! Robert Maxwell is going overboard.” (Picture of Maxwell’s boat)
[Sits down]

Joe the Vendor: (Stands up) Hi I’m Joe the Vendor from the William Loman Company. I’m tired of librarians asking us vendors to constantly do more and give more discounts at the same time! If we don’t make money how can we afford those high dollar exhibit booths at ALA.? (Picture of elaborate trade show booth)

Lyman:(remains seated, but waves his cane) “Hi I’m Lyman Newlin and I’m not gettin’ any younger so I’m gonna let them bring the microphone to me. WhATTA YA THINK? Well, I could tell you lots of stories, but I don’t have time right now. You can read it all in Against the Grain, yep, Katina has that completely under control. My son, Fred, you know, he’s a smart one, he keeps telling me about this new fangled computer stuff, I think they call it the internet, what about that? Do you all know about that? We’re in historic times you know! The Berlin wall actually fell while we were here in Charleston - that’s amazing!

Steve: “Hi I’m Steve Johnson from Clemson. Is it beer tasting time yet?”

Dorinda: [agitated] Steve, you can set up your beer tasting outside tonight at the Oyster Roast, assuming I don’t have a nervous breakdown first, trying to get all the details of this ever-lovin’, ever-growing conference nailed down! Jeez Louise!

Judy: [Calmly] Settle down Dorinda. We’ll get through it, we always do, don’t we?

Dorinda: Judy you are the calmest person I ever met! Just slap me!

Katina: Judy, we miss you every day ...

Judy: Katina, the show must go on!

Katina: Yes it will. Let me give you my secret of juggling all of the programs and speakers and meetings.

All together: Please Katina we’ve always been amazed at how you do it all.

Katina: Well, y’all, this is how I do it. It’s been my secret formula for 30 years. Whenever anyone suggests a new topic for the conference or complains about something….I put them in charge of it! Simple They’re happy, I’m happy and the Conference goes on!

All together: So that’s your secret to staying cool, calm and collected in the middle of it all.

Katina: Like with the skits. I just let the Charleston Players go nuts. I just can’t say no to nobody ya’all.


SCENE FOUR: A Typical early 21st century conference (circa 2002) (Skits, e-things)

Katina: Athena Michaels
Lyman: John Laraway [comes in riding the scooter, waving cane]
Beth Bernhardt: Jennifer Clarke
Anthony Watkinson: Stephen Clark (ringing bell)
Chuck Hamaker: Himself
Edna Loughrey: Ann-Marie Breaux
Eleanor: Herself
John Riley: Himself

Players enter. This time they are up on the podium, talking amongst themselves.

Eleanor: John we’ve got to work on this new skit but we CANNOT have 15 minutes of Shakespearean soliloquy spouting Elizabethan curses! We don’t have time!

John: Well drats. Katina said do whatever we want. Let’s see…How about a skit called “Melville Dewey, Zombie Slayer?”

Eleanor: [rolls eyes]: Jooohhnnnn!!!!

John: Vampire Hunter?”

Beth: Skit Folks, you have 15 minutes tops, OK?

Anthony: Methinks the damsel doth protest too much. I fancy John’s Elizabethan patter of course, but we only have so much time for this dribble you know.

Chuck: It is MUCH more important that we have time for the important issues These skits are just a distraction! I am seriously concerned about serials pricing!

Katina: But Chuck, I do so like enjoy them! The skits, that is.

Edna: We have to think about the bottom line sometimes in order to keep going.

Beth: Yeah, Katina, the bottom line. We have over a thousand people coming now. Where are we going to put them all?

Edna: We could cut off attendance and limit the number of attendees.

Katina: Horrors no! I just can’t say no to nobody.


SCENE Five What the Future May Hold

Conference: Flash Forward to 2020

Katina: Athena Michaels
Chuck Hamaker: Himself
Joe the vendor: John Riley
Lyman: John Laraway
Steve Johnson: Stephen Clark
God: Jack Montgomery (in the Gold Room)

Katina: “Welcome to the new Patron Driven Acquisitions Conference and Yoga retreat. What do ya’ll want to do?”

Chuck: “Well at least there aren’t any more blasted serials to complain about now that it’s 2020, and I am retired and living in Rio.

Joe the Vendor: “No vendors either. Now that Google has the copyright on the alphabet and Amazon has a patent on reading how can we make any money? Ah, Remember books?

Lyman: “Books? I can remember when there was just one continent.”

Steve: “At least there’s still beer. I vote we do some patron driven keg tapping.”

Voice of Jack Montgomery over speaker system: “Hi, this is God. I wanted to thank Katina for doing my work in trying to bring peace, love, and understanding to the tribes. Katina, I award you my highest honor…sainthood in the Pantheon of Jubilee Saints!

Katina: “Oh my God, I mean, God you’ve got a Southern accent. Just like lil’ ol’ me.”
“That’s because you’re an angel Katina and Charleston is a just little piece of Heaven.”

Katina: Well, God, I have one last wish....I want to go back just for an hour, back to the Jukebox in 1990.

God: Your wish is my command Katina. We started with a dance let’s end it with one too!


FINAL (SIXTH) SCENE At the Jukebox Discotheque

Narrator (Ann-Marie): We take you back to the Jukebox, a dance club where many memories and hangovers were created...

At the Jukebox Discotheque {Ann-Marie will drive the PPT for this}
Katina: Athena Michaels
Eleanor: Herself
Corrie: Herself
Sandy Paul: Jennifer Clarke
John Riley: Himself
Nancy Newbie: Susan Zappan
British vendor: Tim Turner
French Publisher: Stephen Clark

[“I will Survive” and then “We Are Family” playing in the background]

Players enter to music. Dressed for discotheque. Milling around, grooving to the music, beer bottles in hand.

French Publisher: Bon soir mademoiselle. You are looking tres chic tonight. I work for an international publisher and have had 4 wives but am currently between wives, so would you care to dance with me?

Eleanor: Oh certainly, and you smell divine too, you are wearing some kind of fabulous French cologne. Just don’t get any ideas about me being your next acquisition.

French publisher: But of course, mais non! Just a dance, belle chere! [They dance]

British vendor: What a delightful venue! Reminds me of a London discotheque So, do you come here often? I currently have investments in 5 different companies, last time I checked. Would you care to dance?

Corrie: Sure, can you do the Electric Slide?

British vendor: My dear! I am a British gentleman, I am used to waltzing at the Proms..

Corrie: OK, let’s boogie! (Corrie grabs him and starts dancing)

Sandy Paul: Oh, This is one of my favorite songs! [We are Family starts playing]

John Riley: Me too, it’s perfect for the conference crowd.

Sandy Paul: I have to practice before I can do that one! {They dance}

Newbie Conference attendee: Wow, Katina, this is so much fun! Do ya’ll do this every year?

Katina: As long as Charleston is here we’ll be too. Thanks for coming for 30 years! Come on y’all….let’s all dance.

[Actors dance out of the room with Katina}